


pain is never permanent

by Acaeria



Series: this light will guide you home [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, Self-Esteem Issues, the thbs just need a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 07:18:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11550222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acaeria/pseuds/Acaeria
Summary: “You need to talk about it. All of you do. I’ve been watching you all, and I can see it, clear as day: you’re not… doing so hot. You’ve all… You’ve been through some shit. Sure, we heard your story, but you don’t… You need help, and you’re not asking for it.”//The Tres Horny Boys talk about their feelings, and get some good advice.





	pain is never permanent

**Author's Note:**

> iiiiit's been a while since i posted the last thing in this series. whoops. with the most recent episodes, my head is most definitely in a different place than it was when i wrote the last instalment in this series. but i hope it's still good! 
> 
> throughout this i reference another fic i have yet to write, which should be the next fic in this series, hopefully. things have been p stressful around here and i haven't had a lot of inspiration lately. 
> 
> fic title comes from the song december by neck deep

_but tonight it's killing me_

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus sits alone with a bottle of whisky and a heavy conscience, rolling his wedding ring between his fingers. Really, he shouldn’t- the ring will tarnish if he’s not too careful- but it’s a nervous habit he’s picked up over the years and, well, he may not be feeling nervous right now, but he certainly needed the reassurance.

“Drinking alone?” A sudden voice cuts into his thoughts, startling him. “I didn’t think that was quite your style.”

He twists to see Lup stood at the entrance to the kitchen, leaning on the doorframe, one eyebrow raised. Relaxing slightly, he shrugs. “It’s not usually,” he admits. Lup hums in acknowledgement.

“Well then, mind if I join you?” He shakes his head, gestures to the stool beside him. She walks over and sits down, grabbing the bottle and taking a swig. “So,” she says after a moment of silent staring, “What’s up?”

Magnus shrugs. “Nothing much.”   
“Uh huh,” Lup says, disbelieving. “So there’s no reason you’re sat in my kitchen at, uh,  _ two AM _ , drowning your sorrows in alcohol?” Magnus sighs.

“I had a nightmare, couldn’t get back to sleep,” he says. “I don’t- I don’t wanna talk about it.”   
“That’s fair.” Lup shrugs. “But, Magnus, you know you  _ need _ to, right?” He starts. She’s staring at him again, searching for something in his face, concern in her eyes. “You need to talk about it. All of you do. I’ve been watching you all, and I can see it, clear as day: you’re not… doing so hot. You’ve all… You’ve been through some shit. Sure, we heard your story, but you don’t… You need help, and you’re not asking for it.” Magnus can only stare. Lup takes another swig from the bottle, shrugs her shoulders. “I’m not saying you have to tell me. You should wait until you’re ready. But Magnus, we’re your family, and we care about you. And if you can tell anyone, it’s your family.” She grins, holding the bottle out to him. “Especially at two AM over a bottle of whisky.”

Magnus smiles, takes the bottle from her. “Thanks, Lup,” he says, and he means it. She shrugs.

“No need to thank me, ya doof.”

Magnus takes another drink, the liquid burning his throat and warming his stomach. Placing it on the table, he sighs.

“You remember that I was a mannequin for a while, right?” he starts. She nods.

“Oh, sure. The  _ mag _ -nequin, if you will.” He snickers.

“Hey, that’s a good one. Well, when I was the magnequin, I remember feeling… helpless. My entire life, I’ve always protected people. That’s- that’s my job, that’s who I am!  _ Magnus the Protector _ . But I wasn’t able to do that. Because I was so… weak. My body was so  _ breakable _ . And I was… I was so close to  _ breaking _ . 

‘But then, even after I got my body back, I couldn’t…  _ do anything _ . Everything was chaos, and I… I couldn’t  _ protect _ anyone. They all died anyway. And I can’t stop asking myself, what could I have done differently? How could I have saved them?” He shakes his head. “And then I start to think, if I couldn’t save them, how am I supposed to save all of you?”

Lup stares at him, for a moment, and then she laughs. He stares at her, incredulously; he’d just opened up to her, told her his greatest fear, and she had the audacity to just- just  _ laugh _ ! 

“Magnus,” Lup says, breathless and beaming, “You fucking  _ idiot _ .” 

He scowls at her. “Hey-!”

She puts her finger to his mouth in a shushing motion. “Just- just hear me out, okay?” she says, and he nods, albeit reluctantly. She drops her hand. “Your  _ problem _ ,” she says, as if she really knows, as if it’s so  _ obvious- _ “Is that you’re too  _ selfless _ . You keep trying to do everything yourself.  _ You don’t need to save us _ , Magnus. We can do that ourselves. That doesn’t mean you can’t help, but- you don’t need to take this entire burden on yourself! It’s not yours to carry. It’s all of ours. You just need to let it go, my man.”

That stings, but Magnus realises- she’s  _ right _ . She’s exactly right. And… Taako’s voice echoes in his head, a memory that felt like it happened years ago, even though it’s only been days.  _ Let go and let go, my man. Finally you can get your- I’m sure that’s what, whoever this person is, that’s what they would want, right? _

Taako had been right back then. And Lup was right now. “You’re… You’re right,” he says, finally, forcing a smile even as his eyes sting with tears. 

“Of course I am,” she agrees, nodding. 

“I just… I spent so long alone, I think I forgot how to work with other people.”   
“Forgot?” Lup says with a snort. “Let’s be real here, you never knew how to in the first place.”

Magnus laughs quietly. “Well, that’s true.”

“But it’s okay, because ya girl here is  _ great _ at teamwork. And helping out friends. And you know what? You don’t have to go through this alone. We all wanna help you! You just have to let us.” 

“I think I’ll try that,” Magnus says. Lup grins. 

“Good!” she says, and snatches the bottle out of his hand.

“Wha- hey!”   
“You’ve had more than enough for one night,” Lup tells him, taking a swig before putting it back in the cabinet. “Go back to bed, Magnus. You look like you need it.”

“Fine, fine,” Magnus grouses, getting to his feet. “I can’t promise I’ll sleep, but…”

“If you’re having trouble, I can always knock you out,” Lup offers. Magnus snorts. 

“No, thanks. I’m good.” He walks towards the door and then turns back suddenly, catching Lup’s troubled expression. “Are you… doing okay?” he asks, realising with a sinking stomach that he never asked her why  _ she _ was up. 

“Oh, I’m fine,” she says, waving a hand breezily. 

Magnus raises a skeptical eyebrow. “ _ Lup _ .” 

She sighs. “It’s fine, I’m just… a little worried about Taako.”   
Magnus frowns. “Taako?” Then, “Wait, which one?”

“Your Taako,” Lup says. “I get that- it’s hard for you guys, right? And, well, I wanted to. I don’t know. I wanted to try and help him out, you know? Make him feel…  _ normal _ , I guess. I was hoping that if he spent more time around me, he’d stop looking at me like that. But-”   
“Looking at you like what?” Magnus interrupts. Lup sighs.

“Like a ghost,” she says simply. “But- the more time I spend around him, the more things I pick up on, the more things seem…  _ Wrong _ .  _ Off _ , kind of. He’s… angrier. Colder. More… aloof, I guess? And I know… I know I don’t really have any right to say this, because I have  _ no idea _ what he’s been through, but it’s like… He’s a totally different person. Like he’s not even my brother anymore.”

Magnus’ heart breaks for her. She looks so…  _ dejected _ , stood there, and it strikes Magnus just  _ how much _ she cares about them. So, he does the only thing he can; he opens his arms and beckons her towards him.

“Hug?” he asks. She nods, and starts walking towards him, but by the time she reaches him, she’s almost running, and throws herself into his embrace. He grabs her, and spins her around in his embrace, and she makes a noise that sounds like a laugh but could just have easily been a sob. 

“Thanks, Magnus,” she mumbles.

“Don’t thank me,” he tells her. “And… About the Taako thing, I. Um. Maybe you should… take your own advice? I won’t act like I know what Taako’s been through, because quite frankly I have no  _ idea _ , but… We’ve all been through some shit, these past ten years. None of us are the people we were before. And… we may be broken, but you don’t need to fix us. We’ll do that ourselves. You just… need to be there for us. Help us out. Just like you did for me tonight. You just… you gotta listen, you know?” 

“Well, I’ve never been the best at that…” Lup jokes weakly, takes a deep breath. “But I guess I can try.”

“I think you’re doing pretty good already,” Magnus says, smiling. 

They pull out of the hug, and Lup smiles back, wiping tears from her eyes. “So,” she says. “I know I’m not sleeping anytime soon, so dya wanna like, play cards or something?”

Magnus grins. “Sure, if you wanna be  _ crushed _ at poker.” 

Lup raises an eyebrow, a competitive glint in her eyes. “Oh, you’re  _ on _ .” 

 

* * *

 

Merle stops short as he enters the library, seeing Lucretia bent over one of her journals. She starts at the sound of the door and glances up at him, a look of surprise on her face. 

“Merle!” she greets. Merle backs up.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were working, I’ll just go-”

“No, no, please,” Lucretia says, shaking her head, “Take a seat. There’s more than enough room.” Merle runs the options over in his head. He can go and sit down, and make things awkward, or he can come up with an excuse to leave, and make things awkward. 

The options aren’t great. He goes and sits down.

“What’re you working on?” he asks, peering at her journal. Lucretia blinks in surprise, then straightens up, turning the journal around to him. “I’ve been recording the unique properties of the flora on this world,” she tells him. “Merle- ah, the other one- has been helping me with it.” Merle looks over the page, and as he does it occurs to him that he hasn’t seen Lucretia around a lot lately. It makes sense that she’s been spending a lot of time off the ship.

He realises that he’s been staring blankly at the page for far too long, and he clears his throat, pushing it back towards her. “That’s, uh, good work,” he says gruffly. A look of concern crosses her face.

“Merle… are you okay?” she asks. Merle nods.

“Oh, yeah, I’m just fine,” he says, but he can’t help the bitter edge to his words. He’s always been a shitty liar.

She sighs, and pushes the book away. “I think… we need to talk.”   
“Do we?”

She sighs. “Please, don’t make this any harder than it already is, Merle. I… I know you’ve been avoiding me. All three of you. And I… hearing about what my future self did, I can’t really blame you-”   
“I don’t blame you,” Merle says. She blinks.

“What?”

“I- don’t get me wrong, I’m mad. What Lucretia did, she had no right to do, and I- well. But that’s not  _ you _ . It’s unfair to be angry at you for something you haven’t done yet! For something that you probably  _ won’t _ do, now that we’re here!”

Lucretia frowned. “I’m glad you’re not angry with me, but if that’s the case, why-”   
“Are we avoiding you?” Merle finishes her sentence. “I’m not angry at  _ you _ , Lucretia, but I’m angry. And you  _ look _ like her and you  _ talk _ like her and- sometimes I can’t even look you in the eye without wanting to scream. So I’m avoiding you until I’ve got this all sorted, until I can be near you without wanting to blow up. Because it’s not  _ fair _ to be angry at you.”

“...Thank you,” Lucretia says. “That’s… If there’s anything I can do to help you, just ask. I don’t want you to hate me as much as you don’t want to hate me.” 

Merle shrugged. “Hey, don’t you worry about it. Just keep doing what you’re doing.”

She nodded. Then, “So how are you doing, Merle? I imagine it must be a bit of a shock, being back here…” Merle nodded.

“You can say that again. It’s… weird. This place, it feels like home, and yet… it’s like I don’t belong here. Not anymore. And I… I miss…  _ everything _ . I miss when being here was comfortable, when this mission was my life, when this crew was my family. I miss the beach and my kids and hell, sometimes I even miss my wife! I miss the years I spent adventurin’, even though they were shitty at the best of times. I miss the bureau and everyone there that we just  _ left to die _ . I guess I miss… I miss the certainty. I miss knowing who I am and who I was. Nothing really makes sense anymore.” He shrugs. “But, hey, I’m not complaining. I got lucky. In the end, I got better than I deserved.”

“Don’t- don’t say that,” Lucretia says. “You… you didn’t  _ deserve _ to lose  _ everything _ , Merle. And you have a right to be upset about that. Don’t underestimate what you’re worth.”

Merle shrugs, snorts. “It’s hard to feel like you’re worth anything when everything you ever accomplished gets taken from you. And sure, I have those memories back  _ now _ , but it doesn’t- it feels like it happened to a different person. I spent ten years thinking that I was a deadbeat who never accomplished anything and that’s kind of a hard thing to  _ stop _ .” He cuts himself off, realising how loud his voice had risen, noticing the sharp edge to his voice. 

“Sorry,” he mutters, rubbing the back of his head. “Got a little carried away, there.”

Lucretia looks…  _ horrified _ , just for a moment, but then her gaze turns sad. “Merle…” she says softly, and she reaches out, putting one hand over his wooden one. “I am so, so sorry.”   
“Why?” Merle asks. “You didn’t do anythin’.”

“Maybe not,” Lucretia says. “But I’m still  _ sorry _ . I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m sorry that there’s nothing I can do to show you how important you are to us, and to this mission. I’m sorry that you lost everything, and that there’s nothing I can do to change that.” She squeezes his hand, and Merle has to look down, fighting back tears. 

“Thanks, Lucretia,” he says, and his voice sounds choked. “But really, I’ll be fine. I just need some time, yknow? It’s only been a couple of days. Everything’s still confusin’, but it’ll get better in time. It always does.” 

He looks up, and she smiles at him. He smiles back. And for the first time since his memories returned to him, he can look her in the eye without anger bubbling up in his stomach and rage clouding his vision. For the first time in a long time, he can look at her and see a friend. For the first time in a decade, he can look at her and see his family.

For the first time since they arrived here, he truly believes what he’s said: everything will turn out just fine. He just needs a little time.

They all do.

 

* * *

 

Taako takes the mug from Barry’s hand, lifting it to his lips. The coffee is exactly how he likes it, which shouldn’t be surprising- how long have they lived together, again?- but it still shocks him. He lowers it down into his lap, the warmth seeping into his thighs, his hands.

“So what did you want to talk about, my man?” he asks as Barry lowers himself onto the couch opposite him. 

“Well,” Barry says, slowly, “I wanted to talk about you.”   
“Me,” Taako echoes, grip tightening on the mug. 

“We’re worried about you.”   
“And who’s  _ ‘we’ _ ?” 

“Me and Lup. Well, mostly Lup. She’s been trying to spend time with you and, well-”

“I keep blowing her off,” Taako says. Barry pauses for a moment, then nods.

“Yes.”

Taako sighs. “Look. It’s nothing personal, okay?”

“So you’ve been avoiding her- actually,  _ all _ of us- for no reason?” 

“I’m a distant person,” Taako says.

“Not this distant,” Barry points out. “Taako, look. You’re my family, practically my brother, I  _ know _ you. You’re-”   
“No you don’t,” Taako interrupts, and he’s angry suddenly, and he doesn’t know why.

“What?” Barry asks.

“You don’t know me,” Taako snaps. “How could you when I don’t even know  _ myself _ ?” There’s a moment of silence. Taako realises that he’s shaking, and his grip on the mug is enough to shatter it if he’s not careful. He leans forward and places it on the coffee table, ceramic clinking against glass. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Barry asks. Taako blinks.

“What?”   
Barry shrugs. “I remember more than a few times where I was struggling with something, and talking to you helped me figure it out. So if you wanna talk… I’m listening.”   
Taako could only stare. Slowly, he sat back, closed his eyes, took a deep breath. The words came almost unbidden, bubbling out into the air.

“Elves don’t sleep. But we can dream. Maybe not in the same way that the rest of you do, but… we dream. For years, I’ve had this reoccurring dream, this nightmare. It’s always the same, every time. I’m up in the sky, and there’s this… guy. And he’s panicking, asking me all these questions, but I don’t know the answers. I don’t even know who he is. And then, he looks me square in the eye and he says,  _ Taako, kill me.  _ And then he’s begging me to kill him, and I don’t know what to do, and I panic- and I blast him. He stumbles back, and I see him… smile. He smiles at me. And then he falls, down into the sky. And then I’m falling, too, and as soon as I hit the ground… I wake up. 

‘That dream… it never made much sense to me. I thought it was just some weird thing my subconscious had conjured up. But now… It wasn’t a dream. That… That  _ happened _ . I remember it, clear as day, which is ironic, because… That’s the moment when I forgot. Lup had vanished, and the two of us, we were on the deck, discussing our plans to look for her, and then… You asked me,  _ what if she’s just gone?  _ and my mind was full of static, and I said  _ who?  _ I… Lup is  _ everything _ to me. She made me who I am. And it only took a  _ second _ to forget her. One minute she was there, and the next… there was nothing. Just static.”

“Taako…” Barry says, and he sounds pained. Taako ignores him, continues talking; he knows that if he stops now, he’ll never start again.

“My childhood was lonely. My parents were gone before I was old enough to comprehend the concept of parents. I was passed around from person to person, family member to family friend, always on the move, never staying in the same place for too long. So I learned not to get too attached to people. I learned to keep my distance. 

‘I never really had any friends. But then, I got my big break- a travelling cooking show. It was- it was great. For so long, I’d been ignored, but now I was the centre of attention. People  _ loved _ me. And I had a friend- my assistant. He stayed with me through everything, was always so encouraging and kind- he looked at me like I hung the stars in the sky. And maybe… Maybe I took him for granted. Maybe what I was seeing was not what was seeing. It… It doesn’t matter now. He framed me for mass murder and split. I never saw him again.

‘And then… I was alone and homeless again. I worked odd jobs, tried to keep my head down, avoided attention. Somewhere along the way, I met Merle and Magnus, and. Well. We weren’t your average party. Hell, we weren’t even good at our jobs. But somehow we managed to join the bureau, and for the first time in my life, I had a place I belonged. A place I was needed. I had friends… Maybe even a family. People I cared about. That was new. And it was  _ terrifying _ . But it was… nice.

‘And then it all came crashing down. Lucretia, the one who’d given me this new life… Well.” He clenched his fists. “She’d taken it from me.  _ All _ of it. My childhood wasn’t lonely: I had a sister, who was always by my side, and we kept each other safe. My adulthood hadn’t been bleak and friendless: I’d had friends, a family, and we’d been together for a century. And then… she took that. She took all of that away from me. She said it was to protect us, to stop us from hurting- well that’s  _ bullshit _ ! She took everything from me, she ruined my life! And she has the audacity to say she did it for us? For me?  _ I lost everything _ . I lost my sister, my friends, my family- and in the end I was left with trust issues and abandonment issues and food issues and  _ issues issues issues _ because she thought I was better off alone than hurting.”

His breath comes in heavy pants, and Barry is staring at him in astonishment.

“Taako…” he breathes after a moment, his voice pained.

“What?” Taako snaps. “What,  _ Barry _ ? There is  _ nothing _ you can say to make this better. You may as well stop  _ trying _ .” 

“You’re still here,” Barry says, quietly. “You may have lost everything, Taako, but… you’re still here. There were so many times where you could have given up, but you didn’t. And maybe you’ve lost everything. And maybe you’re angry and maybe you’ve got baggage, but… you haven’t let that stop you yet. You can’t let that stop you now.”

Taako sighs, the fight draining out of him. “I’m just… I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m just so sick of it all, and now I’m stuck on a ship full of ghosts.  _ I can’t do this anymore _ .” 

“I don’t know how to say this Taako, but… you don’t really have a  _ choice _ . You know how this works: you die, you come back. There’s no escape from this. So you just have to… You have to learn to deal with it. You have to learn how to go on, because there’s no going back now. Not for any of us.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” he admits. “I don’t know… I don’t even know who I  _ am _ , anymore. I told you, Lup made me into who I  _ was _ . Without her, I became a totally different person. And I don’t know… I don’t know if I can be that person again. It’s like there are two versions of me and I don’t know how to be  _ either _ of them. They both feel so far away.”

“So don’t be either of those people,” Barry tells him. “Be Taako 3.0. Take the best parts of the people you were before, and make that who you are.” Taako snorts.

“Easier said than done.”   
“Well, we have a very long time.”

“I guess that’s true.” For the first time since he got here, Taako feels…  _ calm _ . He’d gotten used to the cold anger that filled him, to the panic and the avoidance and the self-hatred. But now that was gone. Talking had helped, after all. Huh. Funny, that.

“Hey, Barry?” he says. Barry hums questioningly. “Thanks. I… I needed that.”   
Barry smiles at him. “Really, it’s the least I could do.” He coughs awkwardly. “But, uh, if I could ask you a favour…?”   
“What is it?” he asks, somewhat suspiciously. 

“Talk to Lup. Spend some time with her. She’s worried about you.”

Taako nods, fights back the urge to quip,  _ shit my dude, I’m worried about me too! _ “I can do that,” he says. Barry nods.

“I think we’re even, then.”   
“Yeah, sure.” He gets up, takes his mug from the table. “I’m gonna head to bed now. Night, Barold.”

Barry chuckles. “Goodnight, Taako.” 


End file.
